4 Terrible Examples of Metal Fashion

Since I have spoken before about the way in which women are portrayed in the metal world, as well as the way in which some of them have been eager to set their gender back a couple of generations, it is only fair that I do the same with my own brethren.

Unlike women, men in metal don’t really have a chance to “sex up” their appearance, at least not without looking downright creepy or revolting (imagine your average metalhead with pants that are tight in his groin area plus a low cut t-shirt that showcases a chest that has seen neither a gym nor sunlight in years). Plus,and in any case, attractiveness and sex appeal have never been at the core of metal; rather, it has always been about looking evil as fuck. Of course, results vary.

These are some of the worst the fashion choices that seem to pollute the scene.

1. Offensive T-shirts

The first way in which eeeevil manifests itself in metal is through the mandatory t-shirts. We’re not talking about your run-of-the-mill t-shirt featuring Iron Maiden‘s Eddie or a black shirt with a skull on it, but rather the “fuck you society” kind of shirts that angsty teenagers seem to love. For some people it’s not enough to tell the world that they like metal; it’s about offending everyone in the process. I get it; you’re a kid and you want to show how edgy, unique and special you are, and what better way to do that than making your grandmother cry by showing her a nun with a cross up her ass.

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Take that society!

Let me be clear on this; I am happy that in the civilized world you have the liberty to offend others, and I think that if you want to wear a t-shirt that shows Anne Frank having diarrhea, you should be able to do so without being afraid of prosecution. Having said that, however, the problem for me starts when something in your syphilitic mind makes you think that it’s a good idea to do it. Do you honestly believe that you look badass with this? Do you think that anybody looks at your t-shirt and thinks anything besides “what a fucking douchebag” while rolling his eyes?

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On the bright side, this makes it much easier for law enforcement to know who to bring in for questioning.

Heavy metal seems to attract a big chunk of people from the nerd community, so I understand that social conventions are often lost in translation. Still, if you wish to change the fact that last time you saw female genitalia was during your birth, you might want to lower the amount of offensive shit you wear. Girls, for some reason, don’t like it when you talk about them showing you their “cunt”.

2. Utilikilts

I don’t know when or how it happened, but at some point kilts became common in the metal crowd. And I don’t just mean “normal” kilts, but rather utilitikilts. Somewhere along the line of human development and evolution, a person thought that cargo shorts were too complex to wear, so he decided to combine them with kilts. Amazingly  enough a large amount of utilikilts come in a camo pattern… you know, because you’ll totally blend in when your pasty white face walks around town wearing that shit.

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This is what you see before you die. Photo source.

This is not a criticism based on gender roles. It’s not that wearing a utilikilt makes you gay. It’s that wearing a utilikilt makes you an asshole.There is absolutely no reason under the sun (except for some sort of testicular elephantitis) why a person should wear a utilikilt, other than a completely twisted understanding of fashion (or, worse yet, actually finding shorts too complex and cumbersome to use on a regular basis).

Nothing says "badass" like a skirt, high socks and a fishnet shirt. Source of this crime against humanity.
Nothing says “badass” like a skirt, high socks and a fishnet shirt. Source of this crime against humanity.

3. Trenchcoats

Trenchcoats are a problem stemming from a cargo-cult mentality produced by years of exposure to action movies and RPGs.Since many movies show the badass wearing trenchcoats, many people, in an attempt to profit from all the trenchcoat-loving women out there, decided that they should give those things a try. Believe me, no matter how many times you’ve seen Neo look awesome in a trenchcoat, you cannot replicate that.

It’s not just that your generous girth makes you look like a blood sausage that is past its prime, it’s that you simply cannot look good on it, no matter how hard you try. Of course, you’ll tell me that Keanu Reeves, Jason Statham and Johnny Depp have worn them and still managed to be sex-symbols. Well, for starters, you don’t look like them, so just replicating what they wear (the cargo-cult mentality) will not land you the same perks that they get. Stop trying.

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Take a good hard look at this and tell me how intimidated you feel. If anything, this is not so much a deterrent, but a provocation!

Closely related to trenchcoats are sunglasses.


At night.

The blame for this again falls squarely on the Wachowski brothers, whose Matrix movies made nerds everywhere think that combining their trenchcoat with sunglasses would definitely make them attract all the ladies. Congratulations, you made a generation of imbeciles look like blind people who don’t know how to dress themselves.

True, without the glasses it’d still look like they don’t know how to dress themselves, but at least they wouldn’t look blind… just oblivious to the world around them.

4. Extreme Body-Mods

Mankind has come a long way since we left the caves in which our ancestors dwelled. Since then we learned that it wasn’t a good idea to shove a bone through our noses, scalp our fellow man and treat diseases with hope, praying and bloodletting. Of course, leave it to imbeciles with a desire for attention to take us back a couple of centuries.

In what can only be described as an irrefutable sign that some people should not be allowed near sharp objects, increasingly invasive manners of body modification have become quite popular. Although far from mainstream (thank fucking goodness) the sight of someone who thought that it’d be a good idea to massively expand his earlobes (and other places) has become popular enough to warrant a mention.

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Demonstrating a huge desire to live on welfare, an increasing amount of people have decided to show how little they care about other people’s opinions by spending huge amounts of money in becoming noticeable.

Perhaps what’s the most annoying part of this trend is the self-serving attitude developed by some of those who made this mistake fashion choice. They live in a world in which their body modifications represent A REBELLION, convinced that they are somehow sticking it up to the man by looking unemployable. This is a big problem, because it convinces them that they are making a statement by purchasing these mass-produced accessories, as if they were leading a social revolt. At the end of the day, however, expanding your earlobes and modifying your body does not amount to any type of rebellion, except against your parents. You do not stand for anything simply by doing this to yourself, and believing otherwise does not make you a rebel, only an imbecile with more money than brains.

Although I’m not particularly fond of them, body mods are not, in principle, a problem. But when you’ve crossed the line between a human and Star Wars character, it might be time to reconsider your choices. Since nobody will hire you, other than to be the bell ringer of some cathedral, you’ll only end up being useful for one thing: As an example of what not to do.

This unintended consequence is called (and I’m completely serious) a “catbutt”. That’s right, by doing this body mod you run the risk of having a piece of your body resembling the anus of a cat. Congratulations!


Do you disagree with me? Although you’re probably wrong, I’d love to hear your  opinion, so leave a comment!