KISS meet Scooby Doo because FUCK YOU

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I used to like KISS. When I was a kid I was in love with the band and openly defended them from my peers who, understandably, didn’t know why a 12 year old was so much into 50-year old rockers covered in white paint. But eventually I saw the light.

Although KISS were always heavily invested into marketing their bullshit (they are known for their early foray into comics, ice creams and action figures), you would have thought that as their star faded they would quietly move away from those ventures. Clearly, they haven’t, and it has gotten to the point where they have become that dude at the party who doesn’t take the hint when you tell him how you gotta get up early tomorrow. Really early.

KISS are no longer relevant. Their fanbase is dying of old age, and they have become little more than a novelty revival act. People don’t go to their concerts because they want to hear them play the music from their latest subpar records, but just to check out the pyro show and see if they get a chance of recording Gene Simmons having a fatal accident or Paul Stanley finally coming out of that very, very deep closet.

Paul Stanley KISS
Paul Stanley

They live in a world in which all this bullshit is a source of pride, and dismiss any criticism as jealousy. That’s right, the sexagenarians’ only response to anybody criticizing their Shylock-esque ventures is “u jelly?”

At a conference I once asked Bruce Dickinson about why, despite Iron Maiden’s enormous marketing machine, they still seem to shy away from the most extreme kinds of products (like the KISS Kasket) considering that their fans would probably buy them anyway. Iron Maiden have a rabid fan base, and so even if they put out flimsy bad quality products, they would still be bought.

His answer? “Well, in the end, you either have class or you don’t.

It’s about how willing you are to cheapen your brand by expanding it to ridiculous levels.

A KISS coffee mug?

Sure, why not.

Pajamas?

OK, I guess

Adult onesie pajamas?

Like for weird fetishists?

A camping set?

You’re not serious, right?

Cologne?

I mean, what would it even smell like? Leather and makeup? Prune juice?

Lip balm?

You’re making this up.

Checks?

I mean I guess they’re useful if you want the cashier to know you’re an asshole with bad credit.

A Halloween special where they pretend they are action figures brought to life?

Alright, fuck off.

KISS’ latest whoring adventure, after their totally-not-desperate-attempt-to-stay-relevant collaboration with J-Pop band Momoiro Clover Z, is to star in a new Scooby Doo episode.

That’s right, it’s not even the first time they do this shit!

This time around, however, they’re not merely featured in the episode. They are the stars of (and I swear I’m not making this up)

Scooby Doo and KISS

Don’t believe me? Well, below you can see the trailer for this abortion.

I can’t possibly imagine what sort of syphilitic dementia or acid trip made Hannah-Barbera think that their audience of 10-year olds would know KISS, let alone find them at all relatable, but here we fucking are.

Then again, Scooby Doo is a show known for trying to improve their dwindling popularity by having bizarre guest stars and coming up with shitty gimmicks. I guess that if we see KISS as playing the part of Scrappy Doo and being their jump-the-shark moment for the 21st century then things make a bit more sense.

I'm guessing the producer looked something like this dude.
I’m guessing the producer looked something like this dude.

 

There is such a thing as overstaying your welcome, and I think it’s fairly obvious that KISS have overstayed theirs. They’re incredibly rich already, and unless they have a crippling addiction that we’re not aware of, there’s little reason to continue pushing this bullshit as much as they do.

It’s time to give KISS the old yeller treatment.

Here’s Paul Stanley playing some sort of circus magician singing in a coffee commercial.

Because fuck you.

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Considered by his mother as the brightest and prettiest boy, J's interest in metal started in his early teens, listening to bands like Iron Maiden and Metallica (coupled with an embarrassing period in which Marilyn Manson "totally represents me, man") eventually moving into the realm of power, black, and death metal. He holds a PhD in law, trains martial arts, practices law, and enjoys coming up with excuses as to why he has to miss work after going to a concert. He also dabbles as a concert photographer, you can see his sub-par work on his instagram.