“Don’t be an asshole”.

If we get down to basics, the only rule you need to follow when you go to a concert or a festival is “Don’t be an asshole”. Really, that’s it. All you need to do is to make sure that your enjoyment of the concert isn’t spoiling someone else’s time.

Still, since I need to fill the space anyway, and because I still encounter way too many people who seem to be unable to live by that golden rule, here are some basic commandments.

1. Don’t Drink Too Much

Have you ever been at a concert, enjoying the music, just to have some drunken asshole’s beer poured all over you? The fact that he didn’t mean it (he doesn’t even know where he is) doesn’t change the fact that you’re currently covered in beer, and listening to half-assed apologies in the slurred speech of a drooling moron.

I took this photo in Wacken 2011. Keep in mind this guy paid about €200 + travel expenses.
I took this photo in Wacken 2011. Keep in mind this guy paid about €200 + travel expenses.

It’s not a problem if you wanna have a drink; hell, I’ve even done a couple of interviews and written articles while under the influence, so I’m not here to judge anyone. Just do it in a way that won’t transform you into an obnoxious asshole who has lost all sense of personal space, balance and sphincter control (even if you get a PhD in physics and become an astronaut, for as long as you live you’ll still be “the dude who shat himself at that Metallica concert”).

2. Don’t Be Creepy

Some girls really like to dress up for concerts. Some of them (sadly not as many as we’d like) can actually pull off the look very well and look extremely hot. Mini skirts, corsets and heart-stopping cleavages are not uncommon in this environment, and they’re definitely a nice change from the otherwise poorly-groomed male-dominated crowd. The problem is that some people have been known to confuse “hot” with “free-for-alll”.

The fact that a girl dresses up in a certain way does not give you the right to grab her anywhere. Neither does the fact that she’s crowdsurfing mean that you get to grope her. While this should be a no-brainer, this happens enough to warrant repetition. Do not fucking do it.

Taken at Bloodstock 2012.
Taken at Bloodstock 2012. It’s not even THAT overexposed, he’s just fucking pale.

Also, let’s make things clear: If you see something, say something. I don’t care if it’s your friend, your brother or just a random person. If you see someone being abusive, do not just stand there and let it happen. Call them out on their bullshit and, I assure you, others will join. Most of the time all that people need is for someone to take the initiative.

3. The Moshpit Is Not An MMA Ring

There seems to be a commonality between very young concertgoers and some selected old ones: Being assholes at the moshpit. Young kids, wearing those ridiculously baggy “metal” pants with a shitload of chains, zippers and whatever the fuck their mom could afford, doing windmill kicks and punching the air, together with the old, smelly, obese guy wearing the Slayer cut off jacket with a spiked bracelet, stabbing those around him.

This is not fun or cool, let alone safe. I know I sound like your mom when I say this, but you could really blind someone by doing that bullshit. And as much as you feel like you’re a combination between the Tazmanian devil and a badass cage fighter, everyone around you hates you. Including your parents, who probably regret having bought you at that circus.

Fight
Don’t go into a moshpit with this mindset. Source.

If you want to mosh, for whatever fucking reason you may have, just be nice to those around you. Help those who trip and fall to the ground, don’t pick fights, don’t try to show your “amazing” kickboxing skills, and just continue to happily push each other like the blabbering fool you are.

4. Don’t throw crap

I know that this might the first time your parents let you out, or maybe the presence of your bros makes you think that you need to show them how much of a super duper alpha dudebro you are, but don’t be a fucking asshole. It’s not fun to be covered in beer just because some fucking moron decided that it would be funny to throw his half-filled cup to the front of the stage. Not only are you a moron because you just wasted the money you paid on that overpriced watered-down beer, but also because your definition of comedy seems to be “making shit inconvenient for others”.

I know, I know; all your bros told you that you were a super Cool Tr0ll or a MASTER PRANKSTER by getting those 5 random people soaking wet with beer, but you’re not. There’s no set-up or punchline here, there’s no slight of hand or careful planning; you’re just making someone else wet or, if you decided to throw a blunt object, injured, because you are a fucking asshole.

"Check this out bro!" Image Source.
“Check this out bro!” Image Source.

Really; what the fuck could possibly be the thought process that leads you to throw random shit at other people?

Since you’re not in the middle of a revolution against a tyrannical government, but rather in a fucking concert, don’t throw things at people. If you do, someone will punch your fucking teeth in. And you’ll definitely deserve it.


 

Did we leave something out? Are we wrong on everything we said? Tell us in the comments below!

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Considered by his mother as the brightest and prettiest boy, J's interest in metal started in his early teens, listening to bands like Iron Maiden and Metallica (coupled with an embarrassing period in which Marilyn Manson "totally represents me, man") eventually moving into the realm of power, black, and death metal. He holds a PhD in law, trains martial arts, practices law, and enjoys coming up with excuses as to why he has to miss work after going to a concert. He also dabbles as a concert photographer, you can see his sub-par work on his instagram.
  • Djordje

    I agree with this but the last one had me wondering.
    2013 when Slayer was in my country, playing in the arena, when raining blood started people started throwing beer in the air, yes we all got soaked but it felt really epic and added to the sheer insanity of a typical Slayer expirience.

    • J_MetalBlast

      Hi Djordje, thanks a lot for commenting!
      I agree with you that it can be fun, but it only works if YOU are OK with it. A lot of people may not want to go home covered in beer, or have their stuff reined by it.
      In general, just try to be cool with people. If you wanna mosh, don’t drag people who don’t wanna do it. If you wanna get soaking wet (which is cool) don’t do it to people who maybe don’t wanna get all wet!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Stay metal

  • Well, there are, on the other side, those assholes, who have never been to a concert before, have NO idea of those unwritten (and written) concert rules, join the thickest crowd, right in front of the stage and then keep complaining about how loud it is, how much pushing is going on, that people are yelling and screaming (seriously, I had this one woman who actually complained about how annoying people were cheering inbetween songs!), how LOUD it is and generally act like entitled assholes.

    I mean, come on, people, it’s a concert, the sound is being amplified, so that everybody can hear it – yes, it might get loud, especially, if you stand in front of the speakers. If you don’t like it, don’t be there! There are places on a concert, where you can actually have some sort of quiet, roomy space – but not in the moshpit, in front of the lead singer, folks! This is, where the action is and people who go to this area, know what they’re up to and know said rules. If you are not willing to accept those conditions and rules, stay out of the pit, easy as that…