“Don’t be an asshole”.
If we get down to basics, the only rule you need to follow when you go to a concert or a festival is “Don’t be an asshole”. Really, that’s it. All you need to do is to make sure that your enjoyment of the concert isn’t spoiling someone else’s time.
Still, since I need to fill the space anyway, and because I still encounter way too many people who seem to be unable to live by that golden rule, here are some basic commandments.
1. Don’t Drink Too Much
Have you ever been at a concert, enjoying the music, just to have some drunken asshole’s beer poured all over you? The fact that he didn’t mean it (he doesn’t even know where he is) doesn’t change the fact that you’re currently covered in beer, and listening to half-assed apologies in the slurred speech of a drooling moron.
It’s not a problem if you wanna have a drink; hell, I’ve even done a couple of interviews and written articles while under the influence, so I’m not here to judge anyone. Just do it in a way that won’t transform you into an obnoxious asshole who has lost all sense of personal space, balance and sphincter control (even if you get a PhD in physics and become an astronaut, for as long as you live you’ll still be “the dude who shat himself at that Metallica concert”).
2. Don’t Be Creepy
Some girls really like to dress up for concerts. Some of them (sadly not as many as we’d like) can actually pull off the look very well and look extremely hot. Mini skirts, corsets and heart-stopping cleavages are not uncommon in this environment, and they’re definitely a nice change from the otherwise poorly-groomed male-dominated crowd. The problem is that some people have been known to confuse “hot” with “free-for-alll”.
The fact that a girl dresses up in a certain way does not give you the right to grab her anywhere. Neither does the fact that she’s crowdsurfing mean that you get to grope her. While this should be a no-brainer, this happens enough to warrant repetition. Do not fucking do it.
Also, let’s make things clear: If you see something, say something. I don’t care if it’s your friend, your brother or just a random person. If you see someone being abusive, do not just stand there and let it happen. Call them out on their bullshit and, I assure you, others will join. Most of the time all that people need is for someone to take the initiative.
3. The Moshpit Is Not An MMA Ring
There seems to be a commonality between very young concertgoers and some selected old ones: Being assholes at the moshpit. Young kids, wearing those ridiculously baggy “metal” pants with a shitload of chains, zippers and whatever the fuck their mom could afford, doing windmill kicks and punching the air, together with the old, smelly, obese guy wearing the Slayer cut off jacket with a spiked bracelet, stabbing those around him.
This is not fun or cool, let alone safe. I know I sound like your mom when I say this, but you could really blind someone by doing that bullshit. And as much as you feel like you’re a combination between the Tazmanian devil and a badass cage fighter, everyone around you hates you. Including your parents, who probably regret having bought you at that circus.
If you want to mosh, for whatever fucking reason you may have, just be nice to those around you. Help those who trip and fall to the ground, don’t pick fights, don’t try to show your “amazing” kickboxing skills, and just continue to happily push each other like the blabbering fool you are.
4. Don’t throw crap
I know that this might the first time your parents let you out, or maybe the presence of your bros makes you think that you need to show them how much of a super duper alpha dudebro you are, but don’t be a fucking asshole. It’s not fun to be covered in beer just because some fucking moron decided that it would be funny to throw his half-filled cup to the front of the stage. Not only are you a moron because you just wasted the money you paid on that overpriced watered-down beer, but also because your definition of comedy seems to be “making shit inconvenient for others”.
I know, I know; all your bros told you that you were a super Cool Tr0ll or a MASTER PRANKSTER by getting those 5 random people soaking wet with beer, but you’re not. There’s no set-up or punchline here, there’s no slight of hand or careful planning; you’re just making someone else wet or, if you decided to throw a blunt object, injured, because you are a fucking asshole.
Really; what the fuck could possibly be the thought process that leads you to throw random shit at other people?
Since you’re not in the middle of a revolution against a tyrannical government, but rather in a fucking concert, don’t throw things at people. If you do, someone will punch your fucking teeth in. And you’ll definitely deserve it.
Did we leave something out? Are we wrong on everything we said? Tell us in the comments below!